Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh,
And life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
"Is this your first child?"
One of the most difficult questions I get asked on a daily bases while at work. This is also a very typical and standard question any pregnant woman will receive.
I had a sweet old lady ask me this the other day. I usually respond saying that she has an older brother who passed away. However after I say this, I see the persons eyes feel with discomfort and it breaks my heart.
Kyler was the most influential part of my life, he did more for me in the short amount of time he was alive than any other person in my life has, so their eyes shouldn't fill with sorrow, they should fill with happiness... but it's hard to expect people to know how to respond to something so extremely heavy, especially when it's in light conversation.
I couldn't bring myself to have Kyler viewed as a sorrowful incident again so I just smiled and replied "she has one older brother". The older woman smiled and said how wonderful it is that she will have an older brother to protect her and show her the way.
There is nothing more true.
Our baby girl has an older brother who's been with her every second of her journey. He protects her and I know after she is born he will continue doing so. I can feel him around me as I type this right now. He has never left me and everyday he protects my family. He is not here to speak for himself... that is my job. That is my responsibility as a mother who has lost her child... that is my most important role. Keeping Kyler's memory alive. Every time someone speaks his name it is just proof that I am accomplishing my job.
Nothing brings me as much joy as seeing the ripple effect Kyler has caused. He has brought me and my husband closer then I ever thought was possible. Our marriage is unbreakable and we lean on each other for support. I am so grateful for the little time I had with Kyler, it is and always will be my most treasured memory.
