Healing

For as long as I can remember, I've always been an extremely sensitive person.  When I was a child I recall feeling emotions so deeply and I was effected by e v e r y t h i n g. 

 Unfortunately, being a sensitive soul in this cruel world hardens you, and without even realizing it I got in the habit of numbing myself from feeling anything too intense.

I thought this was a completely fine way to handle things...

until Kyler came into my world.

One of the heaviest things to ever happen in my life, and after all the chaos ended, I was left with a giant hole in my heart and numbness all over my body. 

I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad.  

I wasn't anything.

The number I got, the further Kyler slipped away...

I realized the way I was trying to protect myself was actually holding me back from remembering my son.

I feel guilty for wasting so much time with my head in the clouds.

I had heard a lot of people talk about meditation and how it could help with releasing built up emotions and had humored the idea back and forth for a while. 

I came across a yoga/meditation page on Instagram and as I read some of the posts I started to understand that it could be more than just a physical practice.
 It could mentally and spiritually change your life as well.  Reading some of the posts gave me inspiration to incorporate it into my life.  

I believe everything happens for a reason and I am so grateful I stumbled on this page.  

Although I am still beginning, and by no means is it easy for me, it has tremendously changed my life.

As I sit an meditate, I think about my Kyler.  I try to let all of my emotions rise to the surface.

Sometimes I cry and cry and cry. 

And I've realized that it's okay.  And I am so grateful that I do.

When I close my eyes and meditate it is my time with Kyler.  It is the start of healing both my mind and body after everything I have gone through.  

 It is my time when I shut out all of the nonsense of the world and embrace the quiet space around me.
It has been such an emotional journey that isn't even close to being done.

I am so extremely grateful that I have found a way to work through the numbness, anger, guilt and sadness.  After each session, I am another step closer to finding the strength to feel my emotions and release my guilt as well as continuing to strengthen the bond with Kyler.  I consider that time "our" time.   The time for us to connect with each other spiritually.

Our Rainbow

Our beautiful baby girl, Iris Skye Moeai, arrived August 29, 2014 at 10:27am.  She weighed 6 lbs 14 oz and was 19 inches long. 

The delivery of our Iris was one of the most emotional, yet healing moments of my life. Each and every contraction took so much of my energy and I remember focusing it all on Kyler and it gave me the strength I needed to make it to the next.  I could feel his arms wrapped around me, letting me know everything was going to be okay.  I could feel his love and protection over his baby sister.  When she finally arrived I felt time stop and I was filled with so much emotion and happiness.  The first thing I looked for was to make sure she was breathing.  The moment she looked up at me I just broke down crying.  It was unbelievable to have my HEALTHY baby girl finally here in my arms, safe and protected.

By no means did she fill the hole Kyler left in my heart, but she somehow filled her own space...  She is my healing baby.  Every time I look at her I see her brother. 

 I still yearn for him.  I still wonder what he would have been doing right now if he were still alive.  But I've also realized that our journey didn't end when Kyler's spirit left his body.  He's with me every single moment of every single day.  
When the world gets quiet and I block out all of the nonsense and loud noise there is this peace that I feel surround me and I know that's him.  He's made me realize that life can be so much more then the day to day routine we are so used to getting into.  People think the silliest things are such a big deal when in reality, nothing matters except for your family.  After we die it doesn't matter how popular we were on social media, it doesn't matter how much money we made or didn't make  So just stop and feel the love and peace that is all around us if you just let it in.  Life is so beautiful.  That's what my baby boy taught me. 

 I am so grateful for him.  He has made me such a better person.  It's been 18 months and to see the impact he still has to this day is unbelievable.  Iris will grow up knowing how strong her big brother was.  How he loves her so much and is so protective over her.  Your legacy lives on baby boy. 

I am so blessed to have been chosen to be these two beautiful souls mother.  My life has purpose because of them.  I am the mother of TWO.

Happy 1st Birthday Kyler

 

 

One year ago... 

It is hard to imagine that it has already been one full year since I held my son in my arms. 

 It has gone by so quickly yet, it seems like it was forever ago.  

My sweet Kyler....

I remember the short time we had together in the hospital and how I was completely surrounded by your love and filled with such peace. 

 Watching our family hold you and smile brought me so much joy.  I knew you were there watching and knew how loved you were. 

 As we left the hospital and I handed you over to the nurse I was prepared for it to all go away and was preparing for the pain to consume me...  but again, there was only peace.  There was no other room for any other emotion.  It was the most incredible experience. 

You gave me and your father so much strength that day. We could feel you all around us... We still do.  You are here with me right now.   

On this day you were born, one year later I reflect back to that precious time we had together.  SO many emotions but it was the most precious time in my life that I will forever hold close to my heart.  Happy Birthday my sweet son, Kyler Cras Moeai.

05.09.13 

 

 

 

 

 

The Hardest Job Of All

 

 

"There is nothing more painful in this world than facing day after endless day without your child in it...

Everything is changed - We are changed.

Bereaved mothers look into the mirror and face a stranger. 

Who is this woman now? 

 This woman without her child?

How will she make it through this day, this hour, this moment?

 It's a wretched and indescribable longing which so many cannot begin to comprehend because they tuck their own children into bed at night...

Being a mother to a child who died is no easy burden.  It is the hardest job of all..."

 

--Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

Keeping Kyler's Memory Alive

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh,
And life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

 

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

 

 

"Is this your first child?"

 

One of the most difficult questions I get asked on a daily bases while at work.  This is also a very typical and standard question any pregnant woman will receive. 

 I had a sweet old lady ask me this the other day.  I usually respond saying that she has an older brother who passed away. However after I say this, I see the persons eyes feel with discomfort and it breaks my heart. 

Kyler was the most influential part of my life, he did more for me in the short amount of time he was alive than any other person in my life has, so their eyes shouldn't fill with sorrow, they should fill with happiness...  but it's hard to expect people to know how to respond to something so extremely heavy, especially when it's in light conversation. 

I couldn't bring myself to have Kyler viewed as a sorrowful incident again so I just smiled and replied "she has one older brother".  The older woman smiled and said how wonderful it is that she will have an older brother to protect her and show her the way. 

There is nothing more true. 

Our baby girl has an older brother who's been with her every second of her journey.  He protects her and I know after she is born he will continue doing so.  I can feel him around me as I type this right now.  He has never left me and everyday he protects my family.  He is not here to speak for himself... that is my job.  That is my responsibility as a mother who has lost her child... that is my most important role.   Keeping Kyler's memory alive.  Every time someone speaks his name it is just proof that I am accomplishing my job. 

Nothing brings me as much joy as seeing the ripple effect Kyler has caused.  He has brought me and my husband closer then I ever thought was possible.  Our marriage is unbreakable and we lean on each other for support.  I am so grateful for the little time I had with Kyler, it is and always will be my most treasured memory.

 

 



You Are A Fighter

Dear Kyler,

 

This week has been difficult.  It's funny how certain things release a time bomb and they bring me back to the day I had you.  It's so surreal and feels like I am almost reliving it again.  Sometimes I feel like I can't escape it and I become completely engulfed in the memory.  

I want to remember only the good memories with you, I hope I can get to that point someday.  Right now I always think about how much pain you must have gone through and how no one ever gave you a chance.  There was always that black cloud lingering over my head and everyone was too afraid to talk to me about it.

  Me and your dad are so proud of you.  You are so much stronger than the both of us. 

You are a fighter.

  Despite the odds, you kept on fighting for 29 weeks and 6 days.  You fought until the very end and now you don't have to fight anymore... I am grateful that you are in a better place now. 

There are a lot of things I wished I could have done differently but I try to remind myself that me and your dad did the best that we could with the crappy situation we were dealt with.

I am angry for the many things we were robbed of.  

We never got to find out if you were a boy or girl till the very end.

  I never got to put your body against mine.... and I never got to see your beautiful eyes open or hear you take your first breath.  

This is the realty I have to face everyday and I am learning how to deal with it.  It's a constant struggle and I am realizing that it is never going to get easier.

  I can feel you everyday and I know that you are constantly with me.

  I feel you in the sunshine on my face and in the certain songs that play on the radio.  You are constantly around me all the time.  

 I know you are with your little brother or sister right now. Giving them love and hugging them until it is our turn to.  

I have dreams about both of you sometimes.  I don't always remember them but I wake up and feel your presence so strong it is undeniable.  For now, I will have to settle for seeing you in my dreams until I can hold you in my arms someday. 

I miss you every single day Kyler.... I love you more then anything.

 

Love, your mother.

 

 

You are my sunshine

“The other night dear, while I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear
I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried”

—	You are my sunshine - second verse

I am....

 

I am…

I am a daughter.  I am a wife. I am a friend. I am a daughter-in-law. I am a sister. I am a grand daughter. I am a niece. I am a co worker. I am grateful.  I am creative.  I am a hard worker.  I am happy. I am an artist. I am scared. I am a pet parent.  I am blessed. I am an optimist. I am spiritual. I am loving. I am searching. I am a Virgo. I am in love.

I am a mother…

I am Kylers mother…

That is my most important role.  Even though you are not here with me physically, I work hard everyday to make you proud.  I love you more then life itself. I ache for you everyday.  The day you were born I saw a glimpse into heaven… I am so very honored to call you my son.  I love you.

Balloon release

Watching the balloon release at our sons funeral <3

I am a Mother.

June 20. 2013

I thought I was finally at the point where I was OK. I thought I was making progress and doing better and it took someone to say one small thing for me to fall right back to where I was. I was at a friends house where there were a ton of other people with their children and babies. Seeing other people with their children made me happy… My friend was going to hand me her baby to hold and she started spitting up so I hurried and handed her back. Someone in the background made the joke “you can always tell who isn’t a mother because they freak out when a baby spits up!” she laughed. I froze. No one else knew what had happened except for my one friend who was now looking at me to see what my reaction was. I laughed it off, pretending I was fine, then made the excuse I had somewhere to be and left. I hadn’t even made it to my car before I broke down into tears. She didn’t mean any harm, I mean How could she have known? But “I am a mother” I thought to myself, and No one knows. I feel like I’m less of a mother because my baby isn’t here with me, because I don’t know How to handle a baby spitting up. It’s so unfair. I cried like the day I got home from the hospital, like it hadn’t been six weeks. I am a mother…. I am Kylers mother…. and No one knows.

Fathers grieve too...

June 4, 2013

June 4, 2013

I can’t believe how beautiful my sweet baby boy is <3.  I could look at these pictures all day.  The pictures don’t do you justice baby Ky.  It breaks my heart that all I have left of you are a few blankets and these pictures.  I would give up all of them if it meant I could hold you one more time.  I want to be blowing up Facebook with pictures of you and how much you are growing and learning everyday.  Like I see every other mother doing… it’s so hard to accept that I’m not going to be able to.  I’m coming to realize that overcoming this is going to be a lifelong journey.  It’ll never get easier I will just learn how to handle the pain.  I love you more then anything baby Ky

 

Kyler Moeai born on May 9th.

Kyler Cras Moeai

May 9, 2013

6:15 Thursday morning my wife woke me up as she was having tremendous stomach pains.

6:30 Scared and worried I rushed  as fast as possible to get us to the hospital as any expecting father would.

7:45 We were told that even though we were two months early we would be seeing our baby boy today.

8:30 We were moved to the delivery room with anticipation to see our baby.

9:30 As our original doctor was out of town the next doctor they had chosen for us had just arrived and was being prepped for delivery.

10:30 After an hour of pushing our doctor had left to go deliver other babies while we would wait for his return. Confused and frustrated we did so anyways as the staff said this was normal.

12:30 Our doctor got back from another hospital to finally start again. angered yet relieved of his return we began again.

3:00 Our doctor began to get a struggled look on his face and stepped out of the room.

5:00 With now 12 people in the room to help determine  what it is they were going to do, they decided to use a needle to go directly through my wife’s stomach to relieve pressure. After trying multiple needles as the first wouldn’t work they finally found a needle that would work. My wife was now in a panic and was scared to death of what was going on. They continued to give her shots of pain killers as the epidural was not strong enough for the pain she was going through.

6:30 The umbilical chord was cut not by me but by the doctor in an effort to remove the baby.

7:45  The baby and his mother, my beautiful wife Megan, had gone through so much more than any person should have gone through. Megan’s mother and I being the only two people in the delivery room had seen more than any person should ever see. After countless mistakes and mass confusion…

7:50 Our son, Kyler Cras Moeai, was finally born. At only 4lbs and 2ozs our baby was finally here…
Kyler was never able to take a breath, nor were we able to hold him immediately after because of what occurred.

We were allowed to spend the two  following days with our sweet baby, as his mother and I held him in a bed for those two days. We were filled with such strong feelings of love. How can you love someone so much that you’ve only known for such a short time? Kyler helped us create a bond between husband and wife  we never thought possible. We are stronger now together then we ever thought possible. Though he was only with us for two days, the strength and spirit of my baby boy is something that will never be forgotten. These were the most beautiful moments of life that I wouldn’t wish anyone to have to go through. We miss you and love you more than life itself.   -your father
Kyler Cras Moeai
05-09-13

Doctor appointment

May 8, 2013

We went to the doctor yesterday for our regular follow up.  Tomorrow I’ll be 29 weeks and I can’t believe how quick the time has come.  The fluid is almost completely gone.  I told the doctor I can only feel him on one side and he said with our situation that is normal considering there is almost no fluid. He also explained that I should be feeling him move less and not to worry.  This makes me sad, I want to be able to feel him move all the time.  Other then that everything looked really normal.  He had a strong heart beat <3 and everything was measuring normal on him with the exception of his belly which was about two weeks ahead.  He also said that he was a pretty large baby… just like his dad! A mini Kendrick :)

May 7, 2013

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say: A mother has a baby, This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can he replied, With confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear. I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today, If you could see your child smile, With other children who say: We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow’s where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. “Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.”
So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are Ok. Your babies are here in My home, They’ll be at heavens gate for you. So now you see what makes a mother. It’s the feeling in your heart. It’s the love you had so much of, Right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done. They’ll be up here with Me one day, And you’ll know that you’re the best one!

~Author Unknown

the diagnosis - prune belly syndrome.

                                                                   May 4, 2013

To my sweet unborn son- How can you love someone so much you’ve never even met? And the thought of knowing there is a good chance they’ll be taken away before you get to even meet them is almost unbearable. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to see you grow, to take your first steps, say your first words. It is the unknown that is the hardest.  Sweet baby Ky, you are sooo loved already. I cherish every move I feel. I can’t believe how strong you are, you are such a fighter. Everyday you fight for your life and it kills me to know your little body is already going through so much. I feel so helpless.
Prune belly syndrome… it effects one in every thirty to forty thousand babies.  I remember when we went to the doctor and they diagnosed our unborn son with it.  It was one of the worst days of my life.  We went to the doctor hoping to find out what gender our baby was but instead we were given news that he might not even survive, and if he did his life would be full of surgeries and constant doctor visits.  From there it only got worse.  A few weeks later they gave us the fatal diagnosis and told us there was a good chance he wouldn’t even make it full term, and if he did he would only live for minutes.  Prune belly causes the abdomen muscles to not fully develop and the baby is unable urinate properly.  The urine backs up to the kidneys and causes kidney failure along with the amniotic fluid to be extremely low and ultimately causes the lungs to not develop properly.  Its seemingly is just a combination of problems and since it is a pretty severe case, there is nothing the doctors can do to help my little one out.  I am completely heartbroken.  I feel so helpless.  On the outside I’m numb and emotionless but on the inside I’m crying and screaming and falling apart.  My first pregnancy wasn’t supposed to be like this- I was supposed to be planning baby showers and spending all my money on little clothes, diapers and toys for my unborn child.  It’s completely unfair.  I spend every day cherishing every little movement I feel, not knowing if it will be your last.  I pray everyday that you will make it full term so me and your father can meet you.  See your beautiful eyes, hear your little heartbeat.. even if it’s just for a few minutes.  I’m trying to be happy, and strong.  But for now I take it day by day.