Happy Birthday

Today Kyler would have been 5.  Five years since I gave birth to my perfect angel boy.  The pain is just as unbearable as the day he was born.

I have been working very hard to practice forgiveness.  

Forgiveness of family members, friends who weren't supportive during my pregnancy, but mostly to forgive the doctor who delivered Kyler.

I've put off writing this post for 5 years, because it is an extremely difficult subject to think and talk about.  It takes a lot of courage and energy to visit the trauma of his delivery, but I feel I must do so to move on and forgive.

As most of you know, Kyler had prune belly syndrome(PBS) which in short means his abdominal muscles didn't form.  This resulted in his lungs not developing and there being very little amniotic fluid.  Babies who are born with PBS have very large bellies, when the fluid is released it causes the abdomen to look like a prune.

We first got the diagnosis when I was 17 weeks.  We were informed Kyler wasn't going to survive for very long after he was born.

Two weeks later Kendrick and I were married.  We were trying to be as happy as we could, but we were hurting and anxious with the reality we were about to face together, constantly lingering in the back of our minds.

I was never advised to go to a specialist , according to our doctor, he wasn't going to survive anyways so it didn't matter (They may have worded it a little nicer, however that's not how I remember it). 

I woke up the morning of May 9th with extreme back pain.  We went to the hospital, where they confirmed I was in labor at 30 weeks.  They said that considering my circumstance they weren't going to stop labor.

How do you prepare for both the birth and death of your baby? I wasn't ready.

The next little bit is a blur:

I was finally dilated to a 10 and it was time to push.  They asked me if I wanted to take the monitors off so I couldn't hear his heart beat.  I agreed, which now I am very thankful for.  I pushed for about an hour with nothing.  The doctor left the room and didn't return for what felt like a very long time.  When he came back, we were annoyed and confused but also relieved that he was back so I could continue to push.

I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed.

The room started to get chaotic, next thing I knew there were 10+ nurses and doctors in the room trying to figure out how to get Kyler out.  I felt like I was in a fog, confused and scared.  I was put on oxygen because I was exhausted from pushing. They told me every time I would push, Kyler's head would start to come out and then get sucked back in.

Next thing I knew, the doctor was cutting the umbilical cord.  One of the nurses told me the reason they couldn't get Kyler out was because of his large belly. I saw a large needle, they said they were going to use it to get some of the fluid out of Kyler's belly.  That needle didn't work so they tried another needle, and another.  I saw my husbands face turn white as he watched them insert needle after needle through my stomach to get to Kyler.

 I passed out. I came to. I was confused, angry, disoriented, and heartbroken.

 I don't know when Kyler passed away. 

I felt that I was robbed from seeing my baby boy alive.

I have many questions.  Why didn't the doctor do a C section? Why didn't they research PBS before I delivered?  Why didn't my doctor stay with me during my whole delivery?

I felt that since Kyler's diagnosis was fatal, the doctors didn't put the effort into finding the best solution to delivering him.  There were many mistakes that were made, and a lot of heartache that could have been prevented.

These last 5 years I have attempted to sort through my emotions and have tried to heal from the trauma.

I think about the pain Kyler must have gone through, every day.  It haunts me.  I feel guilty I couldn't protect him. I feel guilty I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't stand up for him. 

I feel angry that we couldn't grieve in peace because we were trying to recover from such a traumatic delivery.

I feel sad for my husband and mother.  They saw a lot of things that day that they shouldn't have.

I have felt sorrow for my husband who wanted to prevent what was happening, but was helpless watching by my side.  I know he still struggles to this day thinking of what all took place.  I feel guilty I couldn't give Kyler a peaceful delivery. 

However, I feel tremendous gratitude for the nurses, especially my doula, who despite the chaos, remained calm through the storm.  They truly saved us.

 The doctor came into our room the day after to apologize, at that point, the apology fell on deaf ears. The damage was done, and there was nothing that could take back what we had seen and been through.

I wasn't strong enough to forgive him that day, I don't think I was ready.

It wasn't until the weeks leading up to September 19, 2016, that the life of my children again were in the hands of another doctor.  The memory of Kyler's delivery made the thought of putting my twins lives in a doctors hands again very worrisome.   The twins began having severe complications to the point we believed we would lose one, if not both.  However, thanks to the constant attention from such caring doctors and nurses that we believe(d) in, our two boys were born at 30 weeks, small but healthy and full of life.

All my boys were born at 30 weeks.
One very traumatic and the other very healing.  I truly believe life has a way of coming full circle.

I realize I had become a hostage to the past by replaying May 9, 2013,  over and over in my mind. It plagued a lot of memories of Kyler, and that wasn't fair.  I am ready to make room for compassion and understanding in my heart.  Kyler was more than his delivery.  He was a blessing in our lives,  strengthened our family, and gave me an understanding of love I never felt possible.

I choose to remember the good.

I choose to remember my Kyler. 

I forgive.

Release.  Let it go. It's time to heal.

Happy 5th birthday to my first born.  I hope I make you proud everyday. 

Kyler Turns 2

May 9th.

It is surreal to me that I would have had a two year old.  

Kyler's birthday and mothers day are back to back and when this week approaches it feels like a punch to the stomach.

 On  May 11, 2013 I remember leaving the labor and delivery building after spending two wonderful days with my son, only to be leaving the hospital empty handed. Honestly, unbearable doesn't even begin to describe how me and my husband were feeling. Then to have the very next day be a day to celebrate mothers was completely soul wrenching. 

 Every year I feel a little anxiety when May starts to creep up.  I'm learning how to celebrate this day with an angel baby and an earth baby, yet I realize I will always feel like something is missing from this day.  It will never be perfect until I am able to hold both of my children in my arms.
.......

This year for Kyler's second birthday we got him a cake and his little sister did not hesitate to help out her big brother eat his birthday cake. :)

For mothers day, all I wanted was to hold both my babies in my arms but having Iris sit by his grave felt close enough, 

for now.

 I hope Iris grows up feeling close to her big brother, knowing he's always watching out for her.  I hope she feels comfortable talking to us about him and is aware of how big of an impact he has on our lives.  

"I do everything a little differently because you were here.  Your short life has shaped my existence forever."

-Jane Lloyd 

Happy second birthday, my son.

Healing

For as long as I can remember, I've always been an extremely sensitive person.  When I was a child I recall feeling emotions so deeply and I was effected by e v e r y t h i n g. 

 Unfortunately, being a sensitive soul in this cruel world hardens you, and without even realizing it I got in the habit of numbing myself from feeling anything too intense.

I thought this was a completely fine way to handle things...

until Kyler came into my world.

One of the heaviest things to ever happen in my life, and after all the chaos ended, I was left with a giant hole in my heart and numbness all over my body. 

I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad.  

I wasn't anything.

The number I got, the further Kyler slipped away...

I realized the way I was trying to protect myself was actually holding me back from remembering my son.

I feel guilty for wasting so much time with my head in the clouds.

I had heard a lot of people talk about meditation and how it could help with releasing built up emotions and had humored the idea back and forth for a while. 

I came across a yoga/meditation page on Instagram and as I read some of the posts I started to understand that it could be more than just a physical practice.
 It could mentally and spiritually change your life as well.  Reading some of the posts gave me inspiration to incorporate it into my life.  

I believe everything happens for a reason and I am so grateful I stumbled on this page.  

Although I am still beginning, and by no means is it easy for me, it has tremendously changed my life.

As I sit an meditate, I think about my Kyler.  I try to let all of my emotions rise to the surface.

Sometimes I cry and cry and cry. 

And I've realized that it's okay.  And I am so grateful that I do.

When I close my eyes and meditate it is my time with Kyler.  It is the start of healing both my mind and body after everything I have gone through.  

 It is my time when I shut out all of the nonsense of the world and embrace the quiet space around me.
It has been such an emotional journey that isn't even close to being done.

I am so extremely grateful that I have found a way to work through the numbness, anger, guilt and sadness.  After each session, I am another step closer to finding the strength to feel my emotions and release my guilt as well as continuing to strengthen the bond with Kyler.  I consider that time "our" time.   The time for us to connect with each other spiritually.

Our Rainbow

Our beautiful baby girl, Iris Skye Moeai, arrived August 29, 2014 at 10:27am.  She weighed 6 lbs 14 oz and was 19 inches long. 

The delivery of our Iris was one of the most emotional, yet healing moments of my life. Each and every contraction took so much of my energy and I remember focusing it all on Kyler and it gave me the strength I needed to make it to the next.  I could feel his arms wrapped around me, letting me know everything was going to be okay.  I could feel his love and protection over his baby sister.  When she finally arrived I felt time stop and I was filled with so much emotion and happiness.  The first thing I looked for was to make sure she was breathing.  The moment she looked up at me I just broke down crying.  It was unbelievable to have my HEALTHY baby girl finally here in my arms, safe and protected.

By no means did she fill the hole Kyler left in my heart, but she somehow filled her own space...  She is my healing baby.  Every time I look at her I see her brother. 

 I still yearn for him.  I still wonder what he would have been doing right now if he were still alive.  But I've also realized that our journey didn't end when Kyler's spirit left his body.  He's with me every single moment of every single day.  
When the world gets quiet and I block out all of the nonsense and loud noise there is this peace that I feel surround me and I know that's him.  He's made me realize that life can be so much more then the day to day routine we are so used to getting into.  People think the silliest things are such a big deal when in reality, nothing matters except for your family.  After we die it doesn't matter how popular we were on social media, it doesn't matter how much money we made or didn't make  So just stop and feel the love and peace that is all around us if you just let it in.  Life is so beautiful.  That's what my baby boy taught me. 

 I am so grateful for him.  He has made me such a better person.  It's been 18 months and to see the impact he still has to this day is unbelievable.  Iris will grow up knowing how strong her big brother was.  How he loves her so much and is so protective over her.  Your legacy lives on baby boy. 

I am so blessed to have been chosen to be these two beautiful souls mother.  My life has purpose because of them.  I am the mother of TWO.

Happy 1st Birthday Kyler

 

 

One year ago... 

It is hard to imagine that it has already been one full year since I held my son in my arms. 

 It has gone by so quickly yet, it seems like it was forever ago.  

My sweet Kyler....

I remember the short time we had together in the hospital and how I was completely surrounded by your love and filled with such peace. 

 Watching our family hold you and smile brought me so much joy.  I knew you were there watching and knew how loved you were. 

 As we left the hospital and I handed you over to the nurse I was prepared for it to all go away and was preparing for the pain to consume me...  but again, there was only peace.  There was no other room for any other emotion.  It was the most incredible experience. 

You gave me and your father so much strength that day. We could feel you all around us... We still do.  You are here with me right now.   

On this day you were born, one year later I reflect back to that precious time we had together.  SO many emotions but it was the most precious time in my life that I will forever hold close to my heart.  Happy Birthday my sweet son, Kyler Cras Moeai.

05.09.13 

 

 

 

 

 

The Hardest Job Of All

 

 

"There is nothing more painful in this world than facing day after endless day without your child in it...

Everything is changed - We are changed.

Bereaved mothers look into the mirror and face a stranger. 

Who is this woman now? 

 This woman without her child?

How will she make it through this day, this hour, this moment?

 It's a wretched and indescribable longing which so many cannot begin to comprehend because they tuck their own children into bed at night...

Being a mother to a child who died is no easy burden.  It is the hardest job of all..."

 

--Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

Keeping Kyler's Memory Alive

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh,
And life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

 

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

 

 

"Is this your first child?"

 

One of the most difficult questions I get asked on a daily bases while at work.  This is also a very typical and standard question any pregnant woman will receive. 

 I had a sweet old lady ask me this the other day.  I usually respond saying that she has an older brother who passed away. However after I say this, I see the persons eyes feel with discomfort and it breaks my heart. 

Kyler was the most influential part of my life, he did more for me in the short amount of time he was alive than any other person in my life has, so their eyes shouldn't fill with sorrow, they should fill with happiness...  but it's hard to expect people to know how to respond to something so extremely heavy, especially when it's in light conversation. 

I couldn't bring myself to have Kyler viewed as a sorrowful incident again so I just smiled and replied "she has one older brother".  The older woman smiled and said how wonderful it is that she will have an older brother to protect her and show her the way. 

There is nothing more true. 

Our baby girl has an older brother who's been with her every second of her journey.  He protects her and I know after she is born he will continue doing so.  I can feel him around me as I type this right now.  He has never left me and everyday he protects my family.  He is not here to speak for himself... that is my job.  That is my responsibility as a mother who has lost her child... that is my most important role.   Keeping Kyler's memory alive.  Every time someone speaks his name it is just proof that I am accomplishing my job. 

Nothing brings me as much joy as seeing the ripple effect Kyler has caused.  He has brought me and my husband closer then I ever thought was possible.  Our marriage is unbreakable and we lean on each other for support.  I am so grateful for the little time I had with Kyler, it is and always will be my most treasured memory.