You Are A Fighter

Dear Kyler,

 

This week has been difficult.  It's funny how certain things release a time bomb and they bring me back to the day I had you.  It's so surreal and feels like I am almost reliving it again.  Sometimes I feel like I can't escape it and I become completely engulfed in the memory.  

I want to remember only the good memories with you, I hope I can get to that point someday.  Right now I always think about how much pain you must have gone through and how no one ever gave you a chance.  There was always that black cloud lingering over my head and everyone was too afraid to talk to me about it.

  Me and your dad are so proud of you.  You are so much stronger than the both of us. 

You are a fighter.

  Despite the odds, you kept on fighting for 29 weeks and 6 days.  You fought until the very end and now you don't have to fight anymore... I am grateful that you are in a better place now. 

There are a lot of things I wished I could have done differently but I try to remind myself that me and your dad did the best that we could with the crappy situation we were dealt with.

I am angry for the many things we were robbed of.  

We never got to find out if you were a boy or girl till the very end.

  I never got to put your body against mine.... and I never got to see your beautiful eyes open or hear you take your first breath.  

This is the realty I have to face everyday and I am learning how to deal with it.  It's a constant struggle and I am realizing that it is never going to get easier.

  I can feel you everyday and I know that you are constantly with me.

  I feel you in the sunshine on my face and in the certain songs that play on the radio.  You are constantly around me all the time.  

 I know you are with your little brother or sister right now. Giving them love and hugging them until it is our turn to.  

I have dreams about both of you sometimes.  I don't always remember them but I wake up and feel your presence so strong it is undeniable.  For now, I will have to settle for seeing you in my dreams until I can hold you in my arms someday. 

I miss you every single day Kyler.... I love you more then anything.

 

Love, your mother.

 

 

You are my sunshine

“The other night dear, while I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear
I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried”

—	You are my sunshine - second verse

I am....

 

I am…

I am a daughter.  I am a wife. I am a friend. I am a daughter-in-law. I am a sister. I am a grand daughter. I am a niece. I am a co worker. I am grateful.  I am creative.  I am a hard worker.  I am happy. I am an artist. I am scared. I am a pet parent.  I am blessed. I am an optimist. I am spiritual. I am loving. I am searching. I am a Virgo. I am in love.

I am a mother…

I am Kylers mother…

That is my most important role.  Even though you are not here with me physically, I work hard everyday to make you proud.  I love you more then life itself. I ache for you everyday.  The day you were born I saw a glimpse into heaven… I am so very honored to call you my son.  I love you.

Balloon release

Watching the balloon release at our sons funeral <3

I am a Mother.

June 20. 2013

I thought I was finally at the point where I was OK. I thought I was making progress and doing better and it took someone to say one small thing for me to fall right back to where I was. I was at a friends house where there were a ton of other people with their children and babies. Seeing other people with their children made me happy… My friend was going to hand me her baby to hold and she started spitting up so I hurried and handed her back. Someone in the background made the joke “you can always tell who isn’t a mother because they freak out when a baby spits up!” she laughed. I froze. No one else knew what had happened except for my one friend who was now looking at me to see what my reaction was. I laughed it off, pretending I was fine, then made the excuse I had somewhere to be and left. I hadn’t even made it to my car before I broke down into tears. She didn’t mean any harm, I mean How could she have known? But “I am a mother” I thought to myself, and No one knows. I feel like I’m less of a mother because my baby isn’t here with me, because I don’t know How to handle a baby spitting up. It’s so unfair. I cried like the day I got home from the hospital, like it hadn’t been six weeks. I am a mother…. I am Kylers mother…. and No one knows.

Fathers grieve too...

June 4, 2013

June 4, 2013

I can’t believe how beautiful my sweet baby boy is <3.  I could look at these pictures all day.  The pictures don’t do you justice baby Ky.  It breaks my heart that all I have left of you are a few blankets and these pictures.  I would give up all of them if it meant I could hold you one more time.  I want to be blowing up Facebook with pictures of you and how much you are growing and learning everyday.  Like I see every other mother doing… it’s so hard to accept that I’m not going to be able to.  I’m coming to realize that overcoming this is going to be a lifelong journey.  It’ll never get easier I will just learn how to handle the pain.  I love you more then anything baby Ky

 

Kyler Moeai born on May 9th.

Kyler Cras Moeai

May 9, 2013

6:15 Thursday morning my wife woke me up as she was having tremendous stomach pains.

6:30 Scared and worried I rushed  as fast as possible to get us to the hospital as any expecting father would.

7:45 We were told that even though we were two months early we would be seeing our baby boy today.

8:30 We were moved to the delivery room with anticipation to see our baby.

9:30 As our original doctor was out of town the next doctor they had chosen for us had just arrived and was being prepped for delivery.

10:30 After an hour of pushing our doctor had left to go deliver other babies while we would wait for his return. Confused and frustrated we did so anyways as the staff said this was normal.

12:30 Our doctor got back from another hospital to finally start again. angered yet relieved of his return we began again.

3:00 Our doctor began to get a struggled look on his face and stepped out of the room.

5:00 With now 12 people in the room to help determine  what it is they were going to do, they decided to use a needle to go directly through my wife’s stomach to relieve pressure. After trying multiple needles as the first wouldn’t work they finally found a needle that would work. My wife was now in a panic and was scared to death of what was going on. They continued to give her shots of pain killers as the epidural was not strong enough for the pain she was going through.

6:30 The umbilical chord was cut not by me but by the doctor in an effort to remove the baby.

7:45  The baby and his mother, my beautiful wife Megan, had gone through so much more than any person should have gone through. Megan’s mother and I being the only two people in the delivery room had seen more than any person should ever see. After countless mistakes and mass confusion…

7:50 Our son, Kyler Cras Moeai, was finally born. At only 4lbs and 2ozs our baby was finally here…
Kyler was never able to take a breath, nor were we able to hold him immediately after because of what occurred.

We were allowed to spend the two  following days with our sweet baby, as his mother and I held him in a bed for those two days. We were filled with such strong feelings of love. How can you love someone so much that you’ve only known for such a short time? Kyler helped us create a bond between husband and wife  we never thought possible. We are stronger now together then we ever thought possible. Though he was only with us for two days, the strength and spirit of my baby boy is something that will never be forgotten. These were the most beautiful moments of life that I wouldn’t wish anyone to have to go through. We miss you and love you more than life itself.   -your father
Kyler Cras Moeai
05-09-13

Doctor appointment

May 8, 2013

We went to the doctor yesterday for our regular follow up.  Tomorrow I’ll be 29 weeks and I can’t believe how quick the time has come.  The fluid is almost completely gone.  I told the doctor I can only feel him on one side and he said with our situation that is normal considering there is almost no fluid. He also explained that I should be feeling him move less and not to worry.  This makes me sad, I want to be able to feel him move all the time.  Other then that everything looked really normal.  He had a strong heart beat <3 and everything was measuring normal on him with the exception of his belly which was about two weeks ahead.  He also said that he was a pretty large baby… just like his dad! A mini Kendrick :)

May 7, 2013

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say: A mother has a baby, This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can he replied, With confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear. I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today, If you could see your child smile, With other children who say: We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow’s where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. “Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.”
So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are Ok. Your babies are here in My home, They’ll be at heavens gate for you. So now you see what makes a mother. It’s the feeling in your heart. It’s the love you had so much of, Right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done. They’ll be up here with Me one day, And you’ll know that you’re the best one!

~Author Unknown

the diagnosis - prune belly syndrome.

                                                                   May 4, 2013

To my sweet unborn son- How can you love someone so much you’ve never even met? And the thought of knowing there is a good chance they’ll be taken away before you get to even meet them is almost unbearable. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to see you grow, to take your first steps, say your first words. It is the unknown that is the hardest.  Sweet baby Ky, you are sooo loved already. I cherish every move I feel. I can’t believe how strong you are, you are such a fighter. Everyday you fight for your life and it kills me to know your little body is already going through so much. I feel so helpless.
Prune belly syndrome… it effects one in every thirty to forty thousand babies.  I remember when we went to the doctor and they diagnosed our unborn son with it.  It was one of the worst days of my life.  We went to the doctor hoping to find out what gender our baby was but instead we were given news that he might not even survive, and if he did his life would be full of surgeries and constant doctor visits.  From there it only got worse.  A few weeks later they gave us the fatal diagnosis and told us there was a good chance he wouldn’t even make it full term, and if he did he would only live for minutes.  Prune belly causes the abdomen muscles to not fully develop and the baby is unable urinate properly.  The urine backs up to the kidneys and causes kidney failure along with the amniotic fluid to be extremely low and ultimately causes the lungs to not develop properly.  Its seemingly is just a combination of problems and since it is a pretty severe case, there is nothing the doctors can do to help my little one out.  I am completely heartbroken.  I feel so helpless.  On the outside I’m numb and emotionless but on the inside I’m crying and screaming and falling apart.  My first pregnancy wasn’t supposed to be like this- I was supposed to be planning baby showers and spending all my money on little clothes, diapers and toys for my unborn child.  It’s completely unfair.  I spend every day cherishing every little movement I feel, not knowing if it will be your last.  I pray everyday that you will make it full term so me and your father can meet you.  See your beautiful eyes, hear your little heartbeat.. even if it’s just for a few minutes.  I’m trying to be happy, and strong.  But for now I take it day by day.