I am a Mother.

June 20. 2013

I thought I was finally at the point where I was OK. I thought I was making progress and doing better and it took someone to say one small thing for me to fall right back to where I was. I was at a friends house where there were a ton of other people with their children and babies. Seeing other people with their children made me happy… My friend was going to hand me her baby to hold and she started spitting up so I hurried and handed her back. Someone in the background made the joke “you can always tell who isn’t a mother because they freak out when a baby spits up!” she laughed. I froze. No one else knew what had happened except for my one friend who was now looking at me to see what my reaction was. I laughed it off, pretending I was fine, then made the excuse I had somewhere to be and left. I hadn’t even made it to my car before I broke down into tears. She didn’t mean any harm, I mean How could she have known? But “I am a mother” I thought to myself, and No one knows. I feel like I’m less of a mother because my baby isn’t here with me, because I don’t know How to handle a baby spitting up. It’s so unfair. I cried like the day I got home from the hospital, like it hadn’t been six weeks. I am a mother…. I am Kylers mother…. and No one knows.